Get the RSS feed or search “Lateral” on your podcast app
| Previous Episode | Index |
Episode 115: Pants on fire [LIVE]
Published 20th December, 2024
Bec Hill, Stuart Goldsmith and Lizzy Skrzypiec face questions about suspicious surgeons, holey headwear and carbonized creatures. Recorded at the Clapham Grand, London, as part of the Cheerful Earful festival.
HOST: Tom Scott. QUESTION PRODUCER: David Bodycombe. EDITED BY: Julie Hassett at The Podcast Studios, Dublin. MUSIC: Karl-Ola Kjellholm ('Private Detective'/'Agrumes', courtesy of epidemicsound.com). ADDITIONAL QUESTIONS: Kyle Sutton, Noot Bootsma, Nate, Zach Chism, Brian J. Devine. FORMAT: Pad 26 Limited/Labyrinth Games Ltd. EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: David Bodycombe and Tom Scott.
Transcript
Transcription by Caption+
Tom:
In the UK, why might you see cars covered in Battenburg?
The answer to that at the end of the show. I'm Tom Scott, and with a live audience in London, this is Lateral!
SFX:
(audience cheers and applauds)
Tom:
We are delighted to be kicking off the UK leg of the comedy podcast festival, Cheerful Earful.
We decided it was a better fit for us than the festival of angry political podcasts, the Rollicking Bollocking.
SFX:
(audience and guests laugh)
Tom:
We're recording this show at the Clapham Grand in South West London.
Over its 120 years of history, it has hosted acts as varied as Charlie Chaplin, Oasis, and the Vengaboys. Alas, not all on the same bill.
SFX:
(audience laughing)
Tom:
In the 1990s, acts who played here included Nick Cave, Public Enemy, and the rock band Pavement. Who unfortunately are now out on the streets.
SFX:
(audience snickering sombrely)
SFX:
(audience laughter ramps up)
Bec:
(cackles)
Tom:
We've hit the level. And I don't normally hear them!
Stuart:
I think the listener deserves to see your face as you say that.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Tom:
Smug, I'd describe it as smug. I know what's coming.
It is fair to say that our guests today are most definitely streets ahead.
First, new to the show: stand-up comedian, presenter, and children's author from A Problem Squared, we have Bec Hill.
SFX:
(audience applauds)
Bec:
Hello. Hi.
Tom:
This is an intimidating way to be a first timer on this podcast. How are you feeling?
Bec:
Oh, very smug. Matt Parker didn't get an audience. So I'm well chuffed.
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Tom:
He was the first guest, though, on the first show, wasn't he?
Bec:
Yeah, but I'm the first with an actual good audience, so...
Tom:
(chortles)
SFX:
(audience laughs and groans)
Bec:
What?
Tom:
They've turned, they've turned.
Bec:
They're like "We were an audience
Lizzy:
in the first episode, Bec, thank you!
Bec:
Stop insulting past us!" I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Stuart:
If you don't know Bec, she's well known for being really mean.
Bec:
(cackles)
Tom:
And apparently overcompetitive with Matt Parker as well.
Bec:
(chuckles deeply) He knows what he did.
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Tom:
Next up, a returning Lateral guest:
from the Comedian's Comedian podcast, it's comedian Stuart Goldsmith.
Stuart:
It's very— Thank you very much.
SFX:
(audience applauds)
Stuart:
Thank you. It is...
It is very NordVPN to be here.
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Tom:
Have you actually taken a sponsorship behind my back?
Stuart:
I'm not at liberty to divulge that information.
Thanks to NordVPN, you won't be able...
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Tom:
No, no, no. Because now I have to go out and see if they will actually pay for that mention.
Stuart:
Yeah, yeah, fair enough, okay.
Tom:
What are you up to these days? You asked me for a climate confession backstage.
Stuart:
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I do. I mostly do stand-up comedy about the climate crisis now.
It's, I do an hour-long show. It's not long, but it does feel long. And, yeah, so I'm interested in trying to save the world, one joke at a time, that's my thing.
Tom:
Well, good luck on the show today. Finally, one of our Lateral regulars from Murder, She Didn't Write, TV producer and performer, Lizzy Skrzypiec.
Lizzy:
Hello! (laughs)
SFX:
(audience and guests applaud)
Lizzy:
Thank you for having me.
Tom:
You are the person on this panel who's been on most Lateral shows. How do you think it's going to be different with folks out here actually watching?
Lizzy:
I'm all scared. You're nothing like my living room.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Lizzy:
But yeah, it's good to be here. It's good to be here.
Tom:
And you've sold out Edinburgh enough times. Again, I said sold out at Edinburgh. And I meant sold out Edinburgh. You've filled Fringe rooms plenty of times.
Lizzy:
Yes, but I'm usually a sexually aggressive old detective. And now I'm just—
Tom:
Nothing has changed tonight.
Lizzy:
Not yet.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Tom:
Good luck to all of our guests today. We're going to play the game the same as we always do. Just with the vague notion we're being watched.
SFX:
(audience chuckling)
Tom:
So let's have a look see at what's in store with question one.
This question was sent in by Noot Bootsma.
Due to something he installed in his car, why did Dick Trickle need a special hole in his helmet?
SFX:
(guests and audience laugh heartily)
Tom:
I'll say that again!
Due to something he installed in his car, why did Dick Trickle need a special hole in his helmet?
Stuart:
Is this one of your warm-up exercises?
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Bec:
I think you're going to struggle to get a sponsor on this one.
Stuart:
Dick— Is it Dick Trittle?
Tom:
Dick Trickle.
Lizzy:
Dick Trickle.
Stuart:
Dick Trickle.
Tom:
Yes.
Stuart:
It was Dick Trickle?
Tom:
It was Dick Trickle.
Stuart:
Why did Dick Trickle have a hole in his helmet?
Lizzy:
His head helmet.
SFX:
(audience laughs uproariously)
Bec:
Is there any other kind?
Tom:
Yes, his safety helmet.
Stuart:
His trickle dick. So, due to something he had installed in his car...
Lizzy:
This sounds like a thing from yesteryear. Is this an old car?
Stuart:
Oh, where you would need to wear a helmet to drive the car.
Lizzy:
I don't know— Yeah, I don't know many modern people called Dick Trickle.
SFX:
(audience laughs)
Lizzy:
It sound like an old, ye olde 1920s name.
Bec:
Or my burlesque name.
SFX:
(guys and audience laugh)
Lizzy:
Nice.
Tom:
It's certainly older. I wouldn't go back all the way to 1920s.
This is a crash helmet, because Dick Trickle was a professional racing driver.
Lizzy:
And the helmet ends above the eyes.
Tom:
No, full head helmet. This is a racing driver.
Lizzy:
A natural place for holes.
Bec:
Did he need a hole for his... mouth? His eyes?
Lizzy:
His eyes!
Stuart:
Yes, but was he recording? Was he recording as he drove around the place? So he needed to be able to be heard?
He needed a mic? No, that doesn't make any sense.
SFX:
(Bec and Lizzy laugh)
Bec:
Yeah, hold the mic in his mouth.
Stuart:
Was there a telescope in one eye of the helmet?
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Tom:
No, but you are along the right lines.
Stuart:
A monocle?
SFX:
(Bec, Lizzy, and audience laugh uproariously)
Tom:
You've not got the right bit of his face.
Lizzy:
It's eyes. It's over the eyes.
Bec:
Oh, he needed a hole at the bottom of the helmet to put his head into it.
Lizzy:
Oh!
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Tom:
That would not be a special hole.
Stuart:
I expected he'd smell the route. He navigated by smell.
Tom:
Oh, you know what? He wouldn't be able to do that.
Stuart:
He would?
Tom:
He wouldn't.
Stuart:
He wouldn't?
Tom:
Not if he was using his holes.
Bec:
Oh, oh! His—
SFX:
(audience laughing)
Tom:
I get one spit take look at the audience per show, and I just used it way too early!
Bec:
Is Dick Trickle like an animal? Like a narwhal? He's got like—
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Bec:
He's got a horn! I probably should have gone for a land-based—
Stuart:
You just said my entire Bitcoin passphrase.
SFX:
(Tom, Bec, and audience laughing)
Tom:
You said 1920s, which is too early.
Lizzy:
Yeah.
Tom:
But this wouldn't work these days. Health and safety would not allow this.
Lizzy:
Oh my god!
Sorry, the haze just gave me an absolute idea.
Was it old enough that he's like, "I'll smoke in my car when I want to"?
Tom:
Yes, he did!
Lizzy:
Nooo!
SFX:
(collective applause)
Lizzy:
It was the fact... (laughs)
Stuart:
Oh my god.
Lizzy:
(gangster voice) "Ah, yeah, see? It's me. Dick Trickle, eh, in my car."
Bec:
Okay, so when I said he had a hole for his mouth...
Tom:
I'm not entirely sure. I think the hole was actually somewhere in the top to let the smoke vent away.
Stuart:
Because he was smoking inside the sealed helmet.
Lizzy:
It went over his eyes?
Tom:
Yes.
Stuart:
Wow.
Tom:
Dick Trickle was famous for enjoying his cigarette.
He fitted something inside his car. That's what we've not got. The hole is—
Bec:
An ashtray?
Tom:
What else might you put in a car?
Stuart:
A lighter?
Lizzy:
A cigarette kiosk.
Tom:
What was that?
Stuart:
A radiologist.
Tom:
Stuart, you said lighter. And I feel like everyone on the panel has forgotten about something that used to be in cars.
Stuart:
Cigar lighters.
Lizzy:
Cigarette lighters!
Tom:
Dick Trickle fitted a cigarette lighter in his racing car, and when—
Lizzy:
(cackles)
Stuart:
So that he could, with one hand on the steering wheel, or maybe both hands, and just putting his head down.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Tom:
Whenever there was a yellow flag in the race, so they weren't allowed to overtake or go too fast, he would light up a cigarette.
And then, if it started again, there was a hole in the helmet. So he could just keep puffing away, and let the smoke out.
Stuart:
What brand did he smoke? 'Cause I'm gonna start.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Tom:
Yes, he was born in 1941, died 2013. Had a NASCAR career spanning 24 years and over 300 races.
Stuart:
How many cigarettes?
SFX:
(collective chuckling)
Tom:
More than that.
Bec:
That's quite the carbon footprint.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Bec:
Making enough emissions already. I've got to make them come out my mouth!
SFX:
(Tom and Stuart laugh)
Tom:
Stuart, it is over to you for the next question.
Stuart:
At a hospital in Darwin, Australia, why was an illustration of a medical device attached to the front of a vending machine?
I'm going to say that again.
At a hospital in Darwin, Australia, why was—
Looking daggers at back.
At a hospital in Darwin, Australia, why was an illustration of a medical device attached to the front of a vending machine?
Bec:
Do you know, my first thought was... I wonder if this has something to do with the Darwin Awards. And then I realised...
SFX:
(uproarious collective laughter)
Bec:
They're not named the Darwin Awards because someone in Darwin did something stupid.
Stuart:
Can I— This is slightly—
While you're having a think, without giving any details away, just give me a whoop, people in the audience, if you think you know this. Right off the bat.
Audience:
(scattered) Whoop!
Tom:
Oh, that's worrying!
Lizzy:
Ohh... show-off!
Stuart:
It's like an idiot-o-meter now.
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Stuart:
The audience are officially smarter than you currently.
SFX:
(collective laugh burst)
Bec:
Was the medical device some sort of smoking helmet?
SFX:
(guessers chuckle snidely) (audience laughs)
Lizzy:
So it's got a picture of a medical device on it, because there's a medical—
There's medical devices in it, right?
Stuart:
Medical devices...
Lizzy:
Inside the vending machine.
Stuart:
Not correct.
Bec:
Oh.
Lizzy:
Whoa.
Stuart:
No, but it was at a hospital. So, the attainability of medical devices.
Tom:
Oh, I was thinking it was just a really unhealthy vending machine. And there's just this note on the front with a picture of Peacemaker, and, "You'll be next!"
Stuart:
Yes.
SFX:
(Lizzy and audience laugh)
Stuart:
"It's a cigarette machine, Winterson. I'm all full. Oh, god."
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Bec:
Is it like... a diagram of... a CAT scan machine? And it's like, "No, don't order anything magnetic to eat. It's dangerous."
Tom:
"Do not place vending machine inside MRI scanner."
Lizzy:
Oh, no iron broom!
Tom:
Eyy!
Bec:
(laughs heartily)
SFX:
(audience applauds)
Tom:
(laughs)
Stuart:
I love the way that changed from a wounded noise into applause.
SFX:
(Tom and Lizzy blurt laugh)
Stuart:
Any other thoughts?
Lizzy:
Okay, so, what do you buy at hospitals for vending machines? Sad snacks?
Well, sometimes happy snacks, depending on your visit.
So is it like, are there snacks inside this vending machine?
Stuart:
The vending machine sold snacks, for sure.
Lizzy:
Yes.
Tom:
Okay.
Stuart:
And the piece of paper was a warning. It had the word 'warning' on it.
Lizzy:
Like "Don't eat crisps with a stethoscope on." Cause it will... You'll chew around it.
Stuart:
Funny about the stethoscope! It's sort of... similar shape, arguably.
Bec:
Is it some form of medical device that's fitted to your mouth or face?
I'm sorry, not all my answers are going to be mouth-based.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Tom:
Warning, do not get arm trapped— Do not get prosthetic arm trapped in vending machine.
Stuart:
Well, you're not a million miles away.
Tom:
Do not get prosthetic leg trapped in vending machine.
SFX:
(audience laughing)
Stuart:
Colder.
Tom:
Okay.
Bec:
Do not get prosthetic mouth trapped in—
Lizzy:
(wheezes)
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Stuart:
I think the area in which you were a little more there is not to do with prosthesis, so much as the use of an implement that could get stuck inside the machine.
Lizzy:
Oh...! It's some sneaky doctors, isn't it? Using tools to get in the vending machine.
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Stuart:
What? What tool? Picture the scene, you're a sneaky doctor.
Lizzy:
I'm a sneaky doctor!
Stuart:
You've got access to tools.
Lizzy:
What sneaky tools would I have? Eh, I don't know.
Tom:
Here's the bad news, Lizzy. Bec is obviously going, "Oh, I've got this, I've got this, I've got this."
So either, with 600 people in the audience, this is going to be a brilliant solve that she's going to steal from you... or it's going to be really embarrassing.
SFX:
(audience laughing)
Lizzy:
(chuckles) It's a sneaky— What do you do as a doctor? What would you have on you?
No sneaky syringing your crisps.
Stuart:
I don't think so. Go for it, Bec, what do you think?
Bec:
Is it like forceps or whatever the thing? The speculum.
Stuart:
Ohh!
SFX:
(Lizzy and audience cackle)
Stuart:
Well, there's an image none of us will ever get out of our heads.
Bec:
It's a legitimate device!
Lizzy:
(laughs) A speculum's to grab your parts by!
Stuart:
If you remember the clue earlier about the stethoscope's shape.
Lizzy:
It's tuby. It's a tubular thing, right?
Tom:
Yes, totally tubular.
SFX:
(audience chuckling)
Stuart:
Okay, you've got access to anything in a hospital. Gun to your head, ten seconds, get me a crunchie. How are you going to do it?
Lizzy:
Oh?
Bec:
And not forceps.
Tom:
An endoscope?
Stuart:
Excuse me, an endoscope is the correct answer.
Tom:
Ooh!
Bec:
Ohh!
Lizzy:
Eww!
SFX:
(audience applauding)
Stuart:
The warning sign... The warning sign featured an endoscope, the long bendy tube used for examining the inside of the human body.
And I once went for an endoscopy, and the person at the reception literally said, "Which end?"
SFX:
(Tom and audience chortle)
Stuart:
And that really gave me the impression that it's just the same tube.
SFX:
(guessers and audience laugh)
Bec:
They just use the other end of it.
Stuart:
The end of the tube has an Endo Catch, a net that's normally used for capturing tissue samples.
And the sign from the theatre committee read, "Do not use endoscopy equipment to steal chocolate from this vending machine."
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Stuart:
Which suggested it not only happened, but more than once.
SFX:
(audience laughs)
Lizzy:
(cackles) That's sad if you get an endoscopy, and you're like, "Mmm, I taste Snickers."
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Tom:
Which end?
Stuart:
Yes, well...
SFX:
(Lizzy and audience laugh)
Stuart:
I hope it wasn't recently used on Nik Naks, if it was the other end.
Tom:
Thank you to Nate for sending in this next question.
In 2008, paleontologists penned a simple drawing of a 150 million year old cephalopod, the remains of which they had unearthed. Though artistically unremarkable, the illustration was very special. Why?
In 2008, paleontologists penned a simple drawing of a 150 million year old cephalopod, the remains of which they had unearthed. Though artistically unremarkable, the illustration was very special. Why?
And at this point, we go to Stuart's patented Whoop-O-Meter. Does anyone think they've got this? Give us a whoop!
Audience:
(sparse) Whoop!
Lizzy:
Aah! (laughs)
Tom:
Fewer whoops this time!
Stuart:
Tricky one. A cephalopod is something octopoid. Is that right?
Tom:
Yes it is.
Lizzy:
Oh. It's penned by the scientist, by the paleontologist. Not the cephalopod.
Bec:
(snickers)
SFX:
(Tom and audience chuckle)
Tom:
I mean, it was 150 million years old.
Stuart:
It had probably run out of ink by then.
SFX:
(audience chuckling)
(Bec and Lizzy giggle)
Stuart:
Yeah, that was cleverer than I meant it to be.
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Tom:
It absolutely was cleverer than you meant it to be. Keep talking.
Stuart:
Ooh.
Bec:
Ooh.
Lizzy:
Oh my god!
Stuart:
Oh, they drew the picture using the ink recovered from the cephalopod?
Tom:
They drew the picture with the ink recovered from the cephalopod.
SFX:
(audience cheers loudly)
Stuart:
Woo-ho-ho-hoo! Oh no!
Lizzy:
(cackles)
Stuart:
Sorry for messing the quiz up.
Tom:
(laughs)
Stuart:
Really, I— That's nuts.
Tom:
So, talk me through what sort of thing do you think happened there? It's 150 million years old. What are they doing?
Stuart:
Well, I guess the... what are they doing? They're sort of rummaging around and such. They're finding bits of it. And some of the bits are leaving their fingers a bit like, "Ooh." Or they scared it.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Stuart:
They said, "You're 150 million years—" "How long have I been asleep?"
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Lizzy:
"150— (yelp, blubber off)" (cackles)
Tom:
Yeah, they discovered an ancient squid-like creature during a dig in Wiltshire, and most of the creature had turned to rock.
Bec:
Medusa?
Tom:
The Medusa effect. Well, it's actually said, due to the Medusa effect.
Bec:
Oh, whoa.
Stuart:
Whaaat? We're lucking into this one, aren't we?
Tom:
But there was a 1-inch-long ink sac inside. And they mixed the ink with ammonia, and the resulting liquid was good enough quality that they could draw a picture of the ancient creature using its own ink.
Stuart:
I hope someone does that to me.
Bec:
Yeah!
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Stuart:
150 million years from now.
Tom:
What are they using for ink?
Stuart:
Ooh, well.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Lizzy:
Snickers!
Stuart:
(Stuart and Lizzy cackle) I can think of six different fluids I offer.
Tom:
(chuckles)
SFX:
(audience ramps up laughter)
Bec:
Dick Trickle?
Stuart:
Stop counting them! Stop counting the fluids!
SFX:
(laughter climaxes)
Tom:
The artwork is effectively 150 million years old, which is three times older than the oldest known cave drawings.
The excavation leader said, "I suppose we could theoretically use it for..." something else, too. Any other—
Lizzy:
(gasps) Well, well you could... Surely it's like, should we get matching tattoos?
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Stuart:
Oh, yes!
Lizzy:
That'd be cool as hell!
Stuart:
That's a great setup for a horror movie! Where you get the— and then you gradually go (blubbers)
SFX:
(audience laughing)
Lizzy:
Or is it a hair— I mean, ammonia, you use it for hair dye, don't you?
Tom:
Oh, no, they're asking what else they could do with the ink they found.
Lizzy:
Yeah, turn it into hair dye.
SFX:
(audience chuckles)
Lizzy:
Do you mean at that point in time?
Tom:
At that point in time, yeah. There is ano—
Stuart:
Octopus found here. They can make a little sign.
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Lizzy:
(gasps) Oh, put it on pasta!
Bec:
"I owe you one octopus."
Stuart:
Pasta!
Bec:
Ohh!
Lizzy:
We're in Clapham, come on! Who eats pasta?
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Tom:
Yes, Dr. Phil Wilby said, "I suppose we could theoretically use it for food colouring too, but I don't think I'll try tasting it."
Bec:
I will.
Tom:
Yeah.
Lizzy:
That's rule one of science, though. Don't put it in your mouth.
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Bec:
That's why I didn't become a scientist.
Stuart:
(cackles)
SFX:
(audience laughs)
Bec:
I'm so sorry, mum.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Tom:
Lizzy, it is over to you for the next question.
Lizzy:
Shelley goes into her local branch of Home Depot. She is amused to see a boastful sign depicting seven items of sporting equipment that are similar but different. What's funny?
And I'll tell you the first thing that's funny. They've put a pronunciation for how to say 'DEE-po'.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Lizzy:
(laughs) Someone's got no faith in me at all.
Tom:
No, no.
SFX:
(Stuart and audience laugh)
Tom:
Someone has seen the number of times I have read a question, and then got a note from David the producer saying, "No, it's not. No, it's not. That is not how you say—"
Stuart:
I've been saying Home De-Pot my whole life.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Bec:
I've been saying Ho-May.
SFX:
(Lizzy and Stuart cackle) (audience laughs)
Stuart:
Go ahead. Again, please.
Lizzy:
Okay, oh, again? Picture this!
SFX:
(Lizzy and Stuart cackle)
Lizzy:
Shelley goes into her local branch of Home Depot. She is amused to see a boastful sign depicting seven items of sporting equipment that are similar, but different.
Oh my gosh, can you see the card from there?
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Lizzy:
I never have to worry about this on the podcast! I hope you don't have strong glasses.
And what's funny about that?
Stuart:
Can we do a Whoop-O-Meter?
Tom:
We'll do a Whoop-O-Meter. Anyone got that immediately?
Lizzy:
If it's over there, don't trust 'em!
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Tom:
Quick whoop?
Audience:
(scattered) Whoop!
Tom:
Ooh.
Stuart:
The Whoop-O— You don't need to invest anything in the whoop. You don't have to prove you know. There's whoopers out there like, "Sure, whoop."
SFX:
(audience chuckling)
Stuart:
So, boastful. Boastful, right? So it's Home Dep-oh— Dee-po.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Tom:
That's why we got a pronunciation guide!
Stuart:
I say dep-oh. That's my word.
So they're boasting about it. So they're like, "We've got seven things like this."
Bec:
Do they think it's better than a different home store?
Stuart:
Yeah, right. It might be better than 'B&Quay'.
Bec:
(cackles)
SFX:
(audience laughs)
Stuart:
Mm, what is it, so... They do something better than them, but they're similar. So is it like something in a place like that where you would be like a particular type of brick.
This is an air brick, and a brick for stealing hubcaps. Or, you know, the other five uses of bricks.
Lizzy:
Did you say an air brick?
Stuart:
Yeah, an air brick.
Lizzy:
What's an air brick?
Stuart:
It's got little holes in it, so it allows circulation through your house. Come on, Bec!
Bec:
I'm sorry!
Stuart:
It feels like the mouth thing wasn't the only reason you didn't become a scientist!
Bec:
I live in London! I don't own a house!
Stuart:
(cackles)
Tom:
I was going to say, I feel like only one person on this panel is a homeowner.
SFX:
(audience laughs)
Stuart:
(chuckles)
Bec:
A hom-eyy.
SFX:
(Stuart and audience laugh heartily)
Tom:
Incidenta— Ho-meow-ner.
SFX:
(Stuart and Bec cackle)
Stuart:
I put the meow into homeownership. So—
Tom:
Any time any of you see the word 'homeowner' from now on, you're gonna be like, "That's got 'meow' in it".
Bec:
Yeah. "Aww, it's an adorable cat house". Awh.
SFX:
(Tom and Stuart chuckle)
Stuart:
So what's— I'm just thinking of the sorts of things you get in that kind of a store, where they... like tubes, spheres, bricks. Things that have lots of different versions.
Bec:
Fishing? I always think of fishing stuff in those places.
Tom:
I'm focusing on seven. Are they different colours or something like that?
Bec:
(gasps) Oh is it—
Stuart:
A brick for every day of the week!
Bec:
Yes, yeah!
Lizzy:
They are different colours, yes.
Stuart:
All the... pipes of the rainbow?
Bec:
Ooh!
SFX:
(Lizzy and audience laugh)
Bec:
Was it for a pride thing?
Tom:
I was thinking, is boastful a pun on pride?
Lizzy:
It's sports equipment.
Tom:
Okay.
Bec:
Oh, cos that's, that doesn't belong in Pride.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Lizzy:
As in, it's normally those colours, not like...
Tom:
Okay, they've not got a rainbow display for Pride or something like that?
Lizzy:
No, no.
Tom:
Okay. But the colours are important?
SFX:
Uhm... ehh? (collective laughter)
Lizzy:
Here's the thing. Sometimes I read the word 'sport' and just completely switch off.
So I've assumed... the colours are of importance.
Stuart:
Oh, I see.
Lizzy:
I'm not a big sports fan.
Stuart:
Like snooker balls, for example.
Lizzy:
Well...
Stuart:
That strikes me as "I wouldn't know whether they're important."
SFX:
(audience laughing)
Stuart:
Maybe you wouldn't either.
Lizzy:
But, you know, that's a good— That's a good thing to know, don't you?
Tom:
So there are seven, yeah, seven colours plus the white.
Stuart:
So their boastful sign says, like, "You could use our wide variety of something to play snooker with."
Lizzy:
Ooh, not that.
Bec:
But a different sport?
Stuart:
I felt really betrayed by, "Ooh, no."
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Tom:
Yeah, you've heard of "Yes, and." Welcome to "Ooh, no."
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Bec:
Is this like that bit in The Simpsons where he's selling wax lips, and he's like, "They have a thousand uses."
And I'm like, "As such?"
And he's like, "A comical use for your own lips!"
And he says, "And more?"
And he's like, "I'm needed in the basement."
Is it that kind of...
SFX:
(softer laughter)
Lizzy:
Well, this sign... with the, you know, the snooker balls, is on something, to... A boastful sign is on an item.
Stuart:
Oh, like you could play snooker off our extremely flat green bays that we're selling for you to put in your garden. Astroturf.
Lizzy:
Yeah. Ooh, like that. But not that.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Stuart:
You could...
Bec:
Is it about that you could eat something off of them?
Stuart:
Roofing felt you could eat your snooker—
Tom:
We've gone back to mouths. We've gone back to mouths.
SFX:
(Bec and audience laugh)
Lizzy:
We have gone back to mouths, and eating isn't...
Bec:
Our endoscopes are so clean.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Lizzy:
But you're getting along the— I think, work it out.
Stuart:
Can you— With what we know, can you tell us the question again, just for the sake of the... just dragging it out?
Lizzy:
Well, classic Shelley. She's going into her local branch of Home... De-poe.
SFX:
(Tom and audience chuckle)
Lizzy:
She is amused to see a boastful sign depicting seven items of sporting equipment that are similar but different. What's funny?
Tom:
So is it seven different coloured balls of some description?
Lizzy:
Yes.
Tom:
Okay.
Lizzy:
I can... I can reveal snooker was correct.
Tom:
Snooker was right. Alright. 7 snooker balls and boasting.
Lizzy:
Oh, well... That might not be 100%, but close enough.
SFX:
(audience laughing)
Lizzy:
Close enough for me. Close enough for me.
Stuart:
(cackles)
Tom:
Home Depot sells so many things.
Lizzy:
Like what? Yeah, let's do it by department.
Tom:
Alright.
SFX:
(audience laughing)
Stuart:
We'll do the entire index.
Tom:
You've got the garden centre.
Lizzy:
Are they sponsoring this?
SFX:
(audience laughing)
Tom:
No, but they should be. Garden centre, lumber...
Lizzy:
Ehh.
Tom:
Fitting— Lumber?
Stuart:
Pipes, plumbing.
Lizzy:
Ooh, hello.
Bec:
Is it like a pool—
Lizzy:
Hello!
Bec:
Is it a pun on like pool... Pool balls and pool...
Stuart:
Oh, your poo. Yeah, like pool cleaning...
SFX:
(audience laughing)
Stuart:
No, go back one, back one. Pipes, pipes.
Lizzy:
Go back one.
Stuart:
Pipes, plumbing.
Lizzy:
Yeeaah!
Stuart:
Yeeaah!
Lizzy:
(cackles)
Tom:
Our pipes are... You can roll balls down our pipes? No.
SFX:
(audience laughing)
Tom:
I don't know why that got a laugh, but I don't like it.
SFX:
(Stuart and audience laugh)
Lizzy:
Tom, that's the closest thing you've said so far.
Bec:
This plunger can pull out seven snooker balls from your toilet.
Lizzy:
You're now the closest thing ever.
Tom:
This toilet can flush seven snooker balls.
Lizzy:
Yes!
Bec:
No!
SFX:
(audience cheers and applauds)
Lizzy:
You got it...! Well, I'm sorry for the—
Bec:
What?
Lizzy:
Yeah. Selling for $199, the Power Flush One-Piece Glacier Bay Toilet...
Tom:
Are they sponsoring this?
SFX:
(Lizzy and audience laugh)
Lizzy:
With elongated bowl... was being promoted with the sales claim, "Flushes seven billiard balls in a single flush."
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Lizzy:
But I don't know the difference (laughs) between billiard balls and snooker balls.
Tom:
They all hurt on the way out.
SFX:
(audience laughs and applauds)
Tom:
Really? We found the level. We found the level. Okay.
Lizzy:
It's a whole new meaning to potting a ball, isn't it?
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Lizzy:
So yeah, It depicts pool balls on the sign.
Heh, idiots, not knowing the difference.
Another sign has been spotted saying "Flushes a bucket of golf balls in a single flush."
SFX:
(scattered laughter)
Lizzy:
(laughs) I don't really know why they're doing this.
SFX:
(audience laughs along)
Stuart:
Well, rather that than they advertise how much human faecal matter it can get rid of.
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Bec:
Yeah, it's like the sports version of the blue liquid.
Stuart:
Yeah, there we are. Yes, exactly.
Lizzy:
(giggles) That lunch was four billiard balls.
Bec:
Now, I'm not impressed by these. I want a toilet that flushes a bowling ball. Then come talk to me.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Stuart:
Two bowling balls, six coconuts, and a beach ball. Depending on the size of the previous night out.
Bec:
I think that someone wrote the copy and just put an L by accident at the end of 'pool'.
SFX:
(scattered cackling)
(applause grows slowly)
Tom:
Thank you to Zach Chism for this next question.
In 1956, Barry Larkin used a chair leg, a plum pudding can, silver paint, and some underwear. When he gave this to Lord Mayor Pat Hills, the crowd of onlookers became angry a few minutes later. Explain the controversy.
I'll say that again.
In 1956, Barry Larkin used a chair leg, a plum pudding can, silver paint, and some underwear. When he gave this to Lord Mayor Pat Hills, the crowd of onlookers became angry a few minutes later. Explain the controversy.
A quick run on the Whoop-O-Meter.
Audience:
Whoop!
Bec:
Whoop!
Tom:
I thought you might have this one, Bec. I thought you might have this one. Stuart, Lizzy, it's on you.
Stuart:
Why would Bec know? This is our one.
Lizzy:
You know?
Stuart:
No, Bec knows, yeah.
Lizzy:
You work on a craft show. Have you made this?
SFX:
(Tom, Bec, and audience laugh uproariously)
Stuart:
Oh, is it like an art attack kind of thing?
Lizzy:
Yeah, have you been like, and this is your own thing to give to Lord Mayor what's his face.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Stuart:
The kind of—
Tom:
Lord Mayor Pat Hills.
Lizzy:
Pat— Pat Hills?
Tom:
Pat Hills.
Lizzy:
Because he pats hills.
SFX:
(scattered laughter)
Bec:
It's a plural of me.
Lizzy:
Oho!
Tom:
Ahh.
Bec:
And my surname's Hill for anyone who missed that, sorry.
Tom:
This is, I think, something of a legendary Australian story.
Lizzy:
Oh...
Bec:
I think it is.
Stuart:
Okay, there's some larrikin behaviour here. No doubt. So, so— Okay, so, chair leg.
Lizzy:
So that's long and thin, but tapered. Tapered?
Stuart:
Underpants and silver paint.
So it's like he pretended to make a robot or something. Some sort of piece of scientific equipment.
Lizzy:
But a pudding can, yeah?
Tom:
Yeah.
Lizzy:
For weight!
SFX:
(Lizzy and Stuart crack up, then cackle)
Lizzy:
Right? The weighty pudding can.
Stuart:
And paint for coverage.
SFX:
(Tom and audience chuckle)
Lizzy:
(laughs) Yes. Yeah, the elasticity for projectile right?
Stuart:
The pants.
Lizzy:
Yes.
Stuart:
He made a, is it like a weapon? Or a scien— a weapon?
Lizzy:
Is it silver paint?
Tom:
It is silver paint.
Lizzy:
It sounds like a robot thing. Is he— Is our—
Stuart:
Did he claim to have built Australia's first robot?
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Tom:
In 1956, you know, that would be plausible. You've got the year, but it's not that.
Lizzy:
It's not?
Tom:
He was claiming... something with this.
Lizzy:
Yeah.
Stuart:
Yeah, whenever I claim something, I never without my silver paint pants can and takeaway device.
SFX:
(Lizzy and audience laugh)
Lizzy:
It kind of was their doing in the '50s.
Stuart:
Well, what about something like a divine— What would be important in Australia in the '50s?
Lizzy:
Aliens.
Stuart:
Aliens, of course, yes.
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Lizzy:
(laughs) Sorry!
Stuart:
But maybe it was something like a sort of divining, you know, like dowsing or something. Some sort of spurious, "I can make it rain" or "I can predict a thing".
Lizzy:
Oh, I thought it was like one of those detectors, like "Ah, I can detect..."
Stuart:
Yeah.
Lizzy:
Aliens.
SFX:
(collective chuckling)
Tom:
Why did you go for aliens with Australia in the 50s?
Lizzy:
I don't know.
Tom:
Okay, that's fine. I just thought there was some trivia knowledge I'd missed.
Lizzy:
Oh, I just always assume the '50s
Stuart:
Sport!
Lizzy:
were time of aliens!
Stuart:
They love a bit of sport.
Bec:
Just to check that I am on the right track. Oh, no, yeah.
Stuart:
Is it sport? Is it sport related?
Tom:
It is.
Lizzy:
Is it?
Stuart:
I love a bit of sport.
Lizzy:
Oh, no.
Stuart:
Oh, is it a trophy? It's a trophy. A table leg with a can on top. And some silver paint.
Tom:
It's not a trophy, but you're getting very close with that. It was important that the can was short and wide.
Lizzy:
For the base?
Stuart:
Something to do with the ashes? No...?
Lizzy:
Not for the base.
Stuart:
The can was short and wide.
Lizzy:
It's a sporting—
Stuart:
Like an Olympic torch?
Tom:
Like an Olympic torch.
Lizzy:
Oh no, they tried to set it on fire!
Tom:
He did set it on fire.
Stuart:
He tried to replace it with his own homemade Olympic torch.
Tom:
Bec, I think you know this story.
Bec:
Yeah, it was a— Wasn't it like a joke? He made his own Olympic torch and then ran and people were all cheering and people were taking photos. And then about two minutes later, the actual torch arrived.
SFX:
(audience laughing)
Stuart:
Ohh! That's so good!
SFX:
(collective applause)
Stuart:
That's so good. And that is an absolutely doable joke. If anyone wants to recreate that next time they're here at an Olympic torch ceremony.
Tom:
Yeah, Barry Larkin was a veterinary student - of course he was a student - at the University of Sydney.
1956, he made a fake Olympic torch, preempted the actual torch runner, and gave the false torch, with the paint still wet and his underpants on fire...
SFX:
(audience laughing)
Tom:
to the mayor of Sydney.
Stuart:
What I love about that is the fact that he had the burning material in the torch was his underpants really suggests that he had the idea and then immediately executed the idea.
SFX:
(collective uproarious laugh)
Stuart:
There's no prep in advance. He was like, "There it goes, hang on, yeah, got it." And went for it.
Tom:
Have you been a student? 'Cause that is basically...
Lizzy:
How long do underpants burn for? That's got a mile on it most.
Tom:
Depends how much kerosene you put on.
SFX:
(audience chuckles)
Tom:
When the actual runner arrived shortly after, the crowd became angry, and a police convoy had to clear a path for the genuine flame bearer to get through.
Bec:
(snickers)
SFX:
(audience laughing)
Tom:
Larkin had scarpered back to his university by then, where he was given a hero's welcome.
SFX:
(audience laughing)
Stuart:
And rightly so. There we go.
SFX:
(audience applauding)
Tom:
Bec, it is time for your question.
Bec:
Okay. This question has been sent in by Kyle Sutton. Who says:
A cafe in Hanoi, Vietnam is split into two areas. In each section, all the seats are facing the same way. Why is it traditional to buy a bottle of the local beer there?
A cafe in Hanoi, Vietnam is split into two areas. In each section, all the seats are facing the same way. Why is it traditional to buy a bottle of the local beer there?
Tom:
Alright, good luck on the Whoop-O-Meter for this one. Does anyone have it?
Audience:
Whoop!
Lizzy:
Woo! I think, I don't know.
Tom:
Ohh.
Lizzy:
I have been on holiday.
Tom:
Have you?
Lizzy:
In a way.
SFX:
(audience laughing)
Stuart:
Alright, mate, we've all been on a holiday.
Lizzy:
And I drank a lot of beer when I was there. And I remember some notable beer drinking times. So I think maybe I'll take a little back seat on this. Unless, I'm wrong.
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Lizzy:
And I'll be really sad about it. But I think I got this.
Tom:
Alright, Stuart, it's on me and you.
Stuart:
If the chairs are all facing the same way, the first thought I had was that it was something to do with buying a beer for the dead. Pouring one out for the homies kind of style.
Tom:
Those are two very different traditions, I feel. No, same tradition. Very different contexts.
Stuart:
Yeah, but death is the ultimate context. Which you know is funny.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Stuart:
Come see my climate change show.
Tom:
(Tom, Bec, and audience laugh uproariously)
Stuart:
So I wonder whether if the seats are all facing the same way, maybe it's because opposite them is an empty seat, and they're buying a beer to share with them, it's just a... I mean, no one's raised their eyebrows, so I'm going to disavow that cold guess.
Tom:
I mean, we've got to establish which way the seats are going. Because right now, we are in a room, which is divided in two, and the seats are pointing in different directions.
Stuart:
Good point. But only two different directions. That way and then everyone else this way. So if they...
Tom:
Yeah, well, it was in each part, they're all facing the same way, right?
Bec:
I believe from the answer that the chairs are divided and all facing the division. Does that make sense?
Stuart:
Is it— Is there—
Lizzy:
I do know this! I'm having the best time knowing an answer!
Tom:
It's a really nice feeling, isn't it? You get to be properly smug about it. God damn it.
SFX:
(audience laughing)
Stuart:
Is there a death element to it? Or am I completely barking up the wrong tree?
Bec:
No.
Stuart:
No, okay.
Bec:
Not unless things go horribly wrong.
Tom:
I'm baffled. You're going to have to give us a hint on this.
Bec:
Alright. I mean, one of the hints is, this cafe is popular with tourists.
SFX:
(audience chuckles)
Stuart:
(silently gestures at Lizzy)
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh) (audience applauds)
Tom:
Okay, I just need a slightly different Whoop-O-Meter for anyone who got this and has not been to that cafe or area.
Audience:
(lightly scattered) Whoop.
Tom:
That's a lot quieter, okay!
Lizzy:
They've got Instagram.
Bec:
Yeah, apparently it is quite big on Instagram.
Stuart:
Oh, so it's visual. It's worth looking at. And it's, the chairs in one part of it are all looking the same way. And it's, what is it? It's customary to buy the local beer?
Bec:
To buy the, to buy the... It's Hanoi beer.
Stuart:
Do you do something with the beer other than drink it?
Bec:
Not the beer.
Tom:
If we're on endoscopy again, I swear.
SFX:
(Bec and audience laugh)
Stuart:
To do something with a bottle, other... You buy the beer and drink the beer, and then you participate somewhere with the bottle.
Bec:
Oh, so close. Connect it to the bottle.
Tom:
It's two groups of people, and it's just a bottle fight.
Stuart:
Yeah!
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Tom:
Everyone necks a bottle, and you just go in!
Stuart:
Incredibly violent bar in Hanoi. Do you... (grimaces)
Tom:
(wheezes) The thing is, before we came out, Stuart was like, "Any show like this, what happens? They come out on stage. I'm convinced all I'm here to do is to make jokes, and then I really get competitive." I can see it in his eyes.
Stuart:
Not at all, no, no, no. I'm throwing to you, basically.
My system for playing this game, you might have realised, is to make loads of cold reading style guesses and then watch the face of the person who has the card.
Is it to do with death, smoke, mirrors, horses? Anything?
SFX:
(scattered chuckling)
Tom:
Is it two sets of tables or chairs that are facing each other?
Bec:
Yes.
Tom:
Versus, okay.
Stuart:
Okay, so—
Bec:
But I would go back to the...
Stuart:
What you do with the bottle.
Bec:
Or what's connected to the bottle.
Stuart:
Something at the...
Tom:
Bottle caps.
Stuart:
The cap. The bottle cap.
Tom:
Bottle caps, okay.
Stuart:
You flip them at each other in a sporting way.
Bec:
Mm, no.
Stuart:
And then they die. And this is about death.
SFX:
(audience laughing)
Bec:
So there's something—
Tom:
But the toilet can flush 500 of them, so...
SFX:
(collective laughter) (audience applauds)
Tom:
That didn't deserve that. I appreciate it. That didn't deserve that.
Stuart:
You keep the bottle...?
Bec:
The cafe is divided because something runs through it.
Stuart:
Oh!
Tom:
It's either going to be a river or a border. It's gotta be one of those two.
Bec:
No.
Stuart:
You drop the bottle cap. in the sewer, you drop the caps in something, and they whisk away. Or it's a wishing well type thing, where you get a lucky bottle cap in the...
Tom:
Giant conveyor belt that just takes you.
Bec:
Oh, you're so close!
Tom:
Really?
Stuart:
It's a plant for rebottling new beer. So you get the old bottle, and you pop it on top of the new one.
Bec:
What's the closest thing you get to a big conveyor belt-ish?
Stuart:
Oh, sushi! Sushi type conveyor belt.
Bec:
No, no!
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Stuart:
No, no, no. I meant like a con— No, like a—
Bec:
Transport wise.
Stuart:
Was the closest— What did you say?
Bec:
Transport wise.
Stuart:
What was the first bit?
Audience:
Ohh.
Stuart:
Oh, shut up!
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Tom:
I thought we had an audience mic that picked up the "Aha!"
Stuart:
I keep thinking of the beginning of Laverne and Shirley. And then... And that didn't land for anyone!
SFX:
(audience laughing)
Stuart:
Later, Wayne's World? Do you remember Wayne's World? Where they put the glove on, and then they waved it off with the bottle thing? No, no one at all?
Well, someone online will get it! And I'd like that person to email me.
SFX:
(collective hearty laughter)
Bec:
Do you want to give any hints, Lizzy?
Lizzy:
Well, when I went there...
Bec:
(snickers)
Lizzy:
I sat in one of those seats with a bottle of beer and waited quite a long time for something. But I was getting more and more tired. And the jet lag was hitting, so I didn't get that.
Stuart:
So a thing happens which you can— Is it like a gopher pops up, and you zing it with the bottle cap?
SFX:
(audience laughing)
Tom:
Is this a lot wider than you'd expect from a conveyor belt?
Bec:
Yes.
Tom:
Unfortunately Stuart, I think I've got this one now.
Stuart:
Oh yeah, me too. Sure, sure.
Tom:
So at this point, it's really fun to watch you sweat.
Lizzy:
Welcome to the club, Tom. It's wonderful here.
Tom:
I'm assuming this thing in the middle is quite big. In my head, and I might be wrong here, there is a train running through this.
Bec:
Correct.
Lizzy:
Yeeaah!
SFX:
(audience applauds)
Stuart:
There's a train going through the bar, and you get the bottle— Can you flatten the bottle cap on the train track?
Bec:
Yes!
Stuart:
And take home as a souvenir?
Bec:
Yes!
Stuart:
Yes, please!
SFX:
(audience applauds)
Stuart:
Yeah. That round of applause tells me I got that way too late.
Tom:
No, no, here's—
Stuart:
The most grudging applause.
Tom:
I was convinced I'd solved it that you had meant to peg the bottle caps at people in the train.
SFX:
(audience laughing)
Tom:
That was entirely your solve, Stuart.
Stuart:
(chuckles)
Bec:
Yes, so the 28 Train Street cafe is one of the famous venues that has a railway line running through the middle of it. The chairs are oriented towards the tracks, so that people can see the trains go past. Tourists buy beer and put the metal cap on the tracks for the train to squash on its next run through. The flat disc reading 'Hanoi Beer' provides a memento of their visit. So the question submitter, Kyle, has been there and done this. Lizzy, you said the train didn't come.
Lizzy:
No, but a parasite I left with did. So that was fun.
SFX:
(collective hearty laugh)
Stuart:
And what was his name?
Lizzy:
Truly a lovely honeymoon for both of us. Sorry, you don't need to know about my intestinal parasite.
Tom:
How did we get back to endoscopy?!
SFX:
(Lizzy and audience laugh) (audience applauding)
Stuart:
I just don't— I think it's genuinely incredible to watch someone look 600 people in the eye and say, "You don't need to know about my intestinal parasite." Only to see every single one of them go, "Tell us about your intestinal parasite."
Bec:
Off to Home Depot!
Lizzy:
The sad thing is... you can just edit this out!
Tom:
We could. We're not going to!
Lizzy:
But now you all know about the parasite. Did you give it a name? No. We swore at it a lot of times.
Bec:
You talk about it like it's still there.
SFX:
(audience blurt laugh)
Lizzy:
It's definitely gone. It's gone.
Tom:
Well, it's back here toni— No.
SFX:
(collective laughter) (audience applauds)
Tom:
So, the good news for the audience here is that Lateral is a roughly 40–45 minute show. We record much more than that. Particularly if we have guests who might be a little reticent. What we have then is three professional comedians.
So, some of this will not make the edit, but I am willing to go to... the shiny bonus questions!
Lizzy:
Woah!
Audience:
Woah!
SFX:
(audience applauds)
Tom:
(silently brandishes cards)
Audience:
Oooh.
SFX:
(Stuart and Lizzy cackle gleefully)
Stuart:
For the listener, that was a piece of green card.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Tom:
Shiny green card.
Stuart:
I'm so sorry.
Tom:
Shiny.
Thank you to Brian Devine for this question.
In 1950, Lucy found out that her husband had impregnated a movie star. This became major news when it was reported by a TV journalist. Lucy was extremely angry, but not at her husband. Why?
In 1950, Lucy found out that her husband had impregnated a movie star. This became major news when it was reported by a TV journalist. Lucy was extremely angry, but not at her husband. Why?
Gonna get the Whoop-O-Meter.
Audience:
(scattered) Whoop!
Tom:
Just a smattering, just a smattering.
Bec:
See, I have something that I thought would be a joke. But now I'm scared might be the right answer.
Tom:
Okay.
Lizzy:
Is the movie star a human person?
SFX:
(audience groaning)
Tom:
Oh my god!
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Lizzy:
No, might be a, no!
SFX:
(Bec and scattered audience squeaking)
Tom:
Okay...
Lizzy:
It might be professional!
Tom:
Was that a bestiality joke? Or was it an artificial insemination joke?
Lizzy:
No, it's not! It's, you know, like... Horses have horse breed— To have more... movie star horses.
Tom:
Okay!
Lizzy:
Not—
SFX:
(audience laughing)
Lizzy:
Oh god! I don't do everything!
Stuart:
Impregnated in the sense of use the turkey baster kind of things.
Lizzy:
Yes, yes, not...
Stuart:
That could've worked.
Bec:
But the suggestion that they became pregnant from this is disturbing.
Lizzy:
I was just, yeah. Was it a famous movie star horse? But they were like, put this horse out to pasture. We don't want any more movie star horses out there.
Bec:
No centaurs.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Stuart:
That's where centaurs come from!
Lizzy:
It's not with the— It's with other horse stuff.
Stuart:
Yes, I'm wondering if this, this tack, weird as it may seem, and I disassociate myself from it completely...
SFX:
(audience laughing)
Stuart:
But was it to do with someone who had asked to be made pregnant? Like, not in a kind of a, they secretly knocked them up, but they're very openly... They'd used their sperm.
Tom:
Lucy was absolutely fine with this. She was angry at the journalist.
Bec:
Oh, okay.
Tom:
Not her husband.
Bec:
Okay, so my answer isn't right, which was that her husband is dead.
Tom:
Oh.
SFX:
(audience chortling sadly)
Bec:
I know, you don't have to include this—
Stuart:
This show has turned!
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Lizzy:
Also, you can be angry at the dead. You don't have to wait.
Bec:
I'd be more angry at the living person.
Lizzy:
(chuckles) Right, yes.
Tom:
Pregnancy tests took a lot longer in the 1950s than they do now.
Bec:
(gasps) Ah.
Tom:
Oh?
Bec:
Is it is it something to do with rubbish? With going through someone's rubbish?
Tom:
No, it's not.
Bec:
A waste.
Tom:
But that does tie into pregnancy tests taking a lot longer.
Lizzy:
Didn't they used to use frogs for pregnancy tests in the older days?
Stuart:
Explain how immediately.
Lizzy:
Oh god!
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Bec:
"This journalist stole my frog!"
Lizzy:
Didn't they used to use... there's something in a frog where if...
Stuart:
Two croaks for yes?
Lizzy:
(cracks up) Or bits of the frog.
Tom:
In my head, I think it's rabbits or something like that. Does anyone out there in the audience know?
VIP Spectator:
It's frogs!
Bec:
It's frogs.
Tom:
It's frogs, it's frogs.
Lizzy:
It's frogs! Didn't—
VIP Spectator:
It's a toad!
Lizzy:
There's something in a frog that changes when...
Bec:
I think they become pregnant. Or they give off hormones.
SFX:
(audience laughs uproariously)
Bec:
No, no, no, like—
Tom:
I'm gonna cut this one off entirely. You send away for the results.
Stuart:
So, is it Lucy?
Tom:
Yes.
Stuart:
Lucy, so Lu— So the husband impregnated someone kind of with her blessing.
Tom:
The order of events in this question is a little bit misleading.
Stuart:
Good then, thanks.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Lizzy:
The order of— What year is this?
Tom:
1950.
Lizzy:
A 1950s movie star?
Tom:
Hmm.
Bec:
Brando?
Tom:
I think there might be some assumptions you're making about it.
Stuart:
It's a lady movie star that was impregnated by Lucy's fellow. Or Lucy's...
Tom:
Do you know any famous Lucys from the 1950s?
Lizzy:
I Love Lucy.
Bec:
I Love Lucy.
Tom:
Luc...
Bec:
So, Lucille Ball.
Tom:
This was Lucille Ball of I Love Lucy.
Lizzy:
You can flush seven Lucille Balls.
SFX:
(collective uproarious laughter)
(audience applauding)
Bec:
You should've just left.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Lizzy:
(giggles) I don't know. Well, so Lucille Ball became pregnant.
Stuart:
No, no, Lucille's...
Lizzy:
Impregnated someone else?
Tom:
Lucy is a movie star.
Lizzy:
Yes.
Tom:
That's the misthinking, which I think you've found your way towards, is that the question's lying a little bit.
Lucy found out that her husband had impregnated a movie star.
Bec:
Oh, herself.
Stuart:
She's the movie star?
Tom:
She is the movie star, yes.
Bec:
Oh, so the journalist intercepted a pregnancy test. And that's how she found out she's pregnant.
Tom:
Yes.
Lizzy:
Woaah!
Stuart:
Ohh, well!
SFX:
(audience cheers and applauds)
Stuart:
What bastard sent that one in?
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Tom:
I mean, we have actually already said Brian Devine's name, so...
Stuart:
Oh, sorry, sorry, Brian Devine and your tricksy use of language.
SFX:
(collective chuckling)
Tom:
Lucy was Lucille Ball, star of I Love Lucy.
The lab that was doing her pregnancy test leaked the results to Walter Winchell.
Stuart:
Careful.
Bec:
That's an unfortunate
Stuart:
Phrasing.
Tom:
Yeah, it is.
Bec:
Dick Trickle.
Tom:
Winchell broadcast the news immediately, the story spread everywhere, and Ball learned about that before she had got her own results back.
Stuart:
Ohh.
Bec:
Wow.
Lizzy:
That's rough.
Tom:
Which brings me to the question I asked at the start of the show.
In the UK, why might you see cars covered in Battenburg?
Does anyone want to take a shot at that? We'll go for the Whoop-O-Meter first.
Audience:
Whoop!
Tom:
Pretty solid there. Any guess?
Bec:
Someone drove into a big cake.
SFX:
(audience chuckling)
Stuart:
It's the... The Battenberg, it looks like the badge of a particular car, isn't it? Like a square thing with two checks.
Tom:
You should explain for the folks who don't know what Battenberg is, because it is a fairly British thing. What is it?
Stuart:
It's a type of endoscope.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Stuart:
it's a pink and yellow cake that is assembled in sort of, such that if you— And it's covered in marzipan, I think. And it's assembled such that if you were to slice it, you get...
Bec:
A cheque pattern.
Stuart:
A cheque pattern.
Tom:
Yeah, chequerboard pattern.
Stuart:
Pink and yellow, like Mr. Blobby.
SFX:
(audience laughing)
Bec:
Now, Mr. Blobby—
Stuart:
Another bang up to date reference there from Goldsmith!
Bec:
For anyone listening outside the UK, it is an abomination.
Stuart:
An abomination.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Stuart:
I worked with Blobby once. He's an absolute gent.
Bec:
Awh.
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Stuart:
I won't hear a word said against him. Very funny physical performer and lovely man.
Lizzy:
I mean, I hear, in Blobby's contract...
Bec:
(snorts loudly)
SFX:
(audience laughs uproariously)
Stuart:
What a memoir title. "In Blobby's Contract."
Lizzy:
(laughs) When you hire Mr. Blobby, because he's a professional actor, he needs ten minutes of Blobby time.
SFX:
(audience laughs)
Lizzy:
Before he goes on. To get into the sort of mindset of Blobby.
Stuart:
Not to mention the suit.
Lizzy:
So you've gotta leave him. So, if you're not working on a show he's on, you've got to be like, "No, it's Blobby time. Leave the man be."
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Bec:
That's what I call it too.
Lizzy:
He becomes blobby, and he's like, "Blobby!"
Stuart:
What happens if you ignore that? Is he a bit much?
SFX:
(audience laughs) (panelists laughing)
Tom:
This is completely unrelated to Mr. Blobby and I don't know how we got here.
Bec:
Sorry.
Stuart:
Pink and yellow. Pink and yellow.
Tom:
They're not covered in cake, but it is related to that.
Stuart:
Is it to do with, so, that Battenberg thing of two— four squares of two opposing colours, that's the badge of a particular car?
Bec:
Or is that a design, a pattern?
Tom:
It's a design.
Bec:
Like argyle, kind of?
Tom:
Yes.
Lizzy:
Wait, the car is not physically made of cake?
Tom:
The car is not physically made of cake.
Lizzy:
Only because of that fun Skoda advert from the early 2000s, where they made a car of cake, and I was like, "Ingenius." But they don't make a car from cake. It's on the car.
Stuart:
Wait! I just liked it when Lizzy said wait, so I thought...
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh)
Stuart:
It's really punchy. It's good.
Lizzy:
I always think there's a timer.
Stuart:
(cackles)
SFX:
(audience chuckles)
Bec:
When you see a car covered in Battenberg? Is that the question?
Tom:
Yes, yes.
Bec:
Is it like a chess competition? The chessmasters, that's their car.
Stuart:
Is it the bloody king?
Tom:
You are—
Stuart:
Up to his old tricks.
Tom:
Neither of you are close.
SFX:
(Bec and audience chuckle)
Stuart:
That is so kindly put.
Tom:
But you are right that it is that sort of pattern on cars.
And you will kick yourself because you will have seen this so often since the 1990s.
Stuart:
Oh, is it anti-radar?
Bec:
Is it an emergency vehicle?
Tom:
Yes it is.
Bec:
An ambulance?
Tom:
Yep, this is the pattern on police cars, ambulances, and other emergency vehicles.
That checked pattern that's on all British police cars is called Battenburg.
Bec:
And if you lick it...
Lizzy:
Ohh.
SFX:
(audience applauding)
Stuart:
You go to pris, yeah.
Tom:
Yeah, the police is blue and yellow. White and orange is mountain rescue. Yellow and green is ambulances.
There's similar designs in other countries. That is called Battenburg.
Stuart:
Is someone— Is the inventor of Battenberg somehow coining it off the emergency services?
Tom:
I don't know, but if so, I'm really hoping his name is Mr. Battenberg.
SFX:
(Bec and audience chuckle)
Lizzy:
He needs Battenberg time.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Tom:
That is our show for today. Thank you very much to all our players.
What's going on in your lives? Where can people find you?
We will start with Bec.
Bec:
I do a podcast with mathematician Matt Parker called A Problem Squared.
And if there's someone in this Venn diagram, I also do a hate-watch podcast about Emily in Paris.
SFX:
(collective laughter)
Bec:
It's called Enemy in Paris.
SFX:
(audience laughs and applauds)
Tom:
Stuart!
Stuart:
You can see me walking down Clapham High Street with my new mug.
SFX:
(Tom and audience laugh uproariously)
Stuart:
You can find me at stuartgoldsmith.com. I do comedy about the climate crisis, and I do that for sustainability events and organisations and things like that.
And I also do the Comedian's Comedian podcast, which has had far too many guests, and should be killed or stopped someday.
Tom:
And Lizzy!
Lizzy:
Hello! I'm part of Degrees of Error, and we do Murder, She Didn't Write. And we're on tour next year.
So if you want to follow us, follow us at @DegreesOfError, or just follow me! I'm at @LizzySkrzypiec. and I've found some interesting things about quiz shows I've made!
Tom:
And before we go, a huge thank you to the Cheerful Earful Festival and the Clapham Grand for hosting us!
SFX:
(audience cheers and applauds)
Tom:
And please keep that going for producer David Bodycombe!
SFX:
(audience cheers)
Tom:
To all the team here, the sound and lighting folks!
SFX:
(cheering intensifies)
Tom:
If you want to know more about this show, or you want to send in an idea for a question, our website is lateralcast.com. We are at @lateralcast basically everywhere, and you can watch video highlights regularly at youtube.com/lateralcast.
Thank you very much to Bec Hill!
SFX:
(audience cheers and applauds)
Tom:
Stuart Goldsmith!
SFX:
(audience cheers and applauds)
Tom:
Lizzy Skrzypiec!
SFX:
(audience cheers and applauds)
Tom:
Our wonderful live audience!
SFX:
(audience cheers and applauds)
Tom:
I've been Tom Scott, and this, live from London, has been Lateral!
SFX:
(audience cheers and applauds)
| Previous Episode | Index |